a new perspective on helping....

So today my depression hit max when I broke out crying while talking to a Barista who knows a lot

about me. More than many many people do. I VERY Rarely , like I think this may have been my first

time, broke out crying in public place while talking to someone in public. The crazy thing was her

response was one I never had received before and was like different in a interesting sense .

Often when people have tried to calm me down, they have done so by talking to me.

This time was different. I don't know if it is the response of a woman or not,

but she just sat down by me and comforted me by sitting by my side and saying

nothing because there really was not much to say. It almost felt like she was

looking after me, which was a ok feeling. The thing that was different than

anything before was nobody had ever rubbed my back in a way that seemed

to be being used to make me feel better in a comforting sense.  It was a experience

that was totally different in a good way than anything else. It really showed how

caring a gal can be. In the long run,  I did recover.  For y'all who follow me, what would you do if

you were in the same situation, except with someone else who cares about you? Thoughts?

struggling spiritually

I might as well be honest... I haven't read my bible since November and am wondering if that and not turning to God when I should the most has been causing things to get worse? I don't know what to say...... I feel like a hypocrite to share the gospel with others and struggle with obvious sin to the outside world, and not know the bible well enough..... I have been lacking motivation for everything under the sun these days ... prayers would be nice.

I know I am imperfect,

That he is here for me,

so why do I reject thee?

My world can fall apart,

and why do I not turn,

To you Lord......

Recovery

Hi guys. I hope your November has been great! I did a half marathon in Willimington , NC. It was my first one where I actually ran the whole thing ( no slowing down.) and the first time I did a road race half marathon. It was so fun! My final timing was 2 hours and 20 minutes . My placing was 561st out of 810 finishers. That was ok. My friend from the area did not show up sadly. My best friend, sadly alerted me that for reasons I will not mention , she can't text me anymore . : (
Loneliness has taken over my heart but God helps. Honestly things haven't been too bad for me other that recantly a few major episodes .  oh yes , my report paper I had to turn in. The reason I got a B on it was because I made the mistake to not put a title on!!!!

The invisbale scars,

That can't be seen,

I know they are there ,

But they are with God's help healing

my mind: update

Ok, I have not been around much but I'm gonna do I quick update on why I've been off for awhile.

My mental health has not been all that good and personally, I've been mentally falling apart. I've started seeing a therapist but I'm not sure how much help she will be, as she stimulates so far instead of de-stimulating. My battle has been harder than ver, but I must hide it all from my fam and friends, cause I do not need to worry them. I will be ok though. I promise. Just pray for me, ok? Things are not all that well in me. 

Music Video of the week: Counting Crows - Round Here

I'm like Maria in the song emotionally... "Maria says she's dying, through the door I hear her crying. Why? I don't know,"  I don't know if that is the meaning behind the song, but the lyrics durn near describe someone with mental illness. Enjoy. :)

Autism, Bipolar, and friendships. It can work! ( and a announcement.)

So, I decided to take a quick break from my poetry and writing, cause it is high time I mention the human behind this blog. As noted by y'all who noticed my profile or those in my small but loyal fan base,  I am openly bipolar and autistic. Have been since young age. Well since the background I've already shared it, so it's time to go straight to how it is like to be me. I've already shared my depression in my poems so that ain't gonna be discussed. My Mania is the part y'all can't see. It is the other half of Bipolar Disorder and is part of where my creativity is from. Add all that up, and then go into how Autism and bipolar can effect friendships. Many people with autism are quiet, but I'm a open book. I can be complicated cause I have specific things I can talk about as long as you are willing to let me talk about them, and often I may add into a conversation I'm not part of. I still am working on my social skills.... The bipolar is what makes it all hard though.... To get into my life and into it well, you really need a lot of patience, ability to understand my mental coding well enough, ( Which is very hard.) Sometimes check and balances systems need to be set up to help with my moods and how to deal with them well. I will at times need your help calming down when I am disturbed, and you need to understand if I ever seem obsessed with you, I ain't. It just looks that way. I am more than capable of being the best friend you've ever had. If you help me , I will help you in whatever way I can.


Oh , on a second thought, I might be starting up a new blog mini book novelia . Please let me know what you think after I post chapter one. Goodnight guys!

my latest race.

Well, it’s high time I talk about the person behind the computer screen. As I have shared, I am a competitive runner and former high school track/XC star. Last week I ran my first ever half marathon! ( yay!) , but I got too sick to finish it , with only 3 miles left out of the 13.1 miles , I collapsed at the final aid station. Here are some of the things I learned.

 First mistake I made and the biggest was 3 hour before the race we stopped for greasy Eastern Carolina BBQ. Which would end up having a major bad problem that was to effect the outcome. Ya see, it is NOT a good idea to eat at all before long distance races, especially half marathons it turns out! The race was a night time race and required a head lamp, but unfortunately I failed to turn on the light properly and it was on blink mode, leaving not much light and at least 3 falls, resulting in a bust leg that ended my ability to run fast. Towards the end however, that’s when the BBQ kicked in! In running, your body kinda more quickly digests food…. Also it was the hottest day of the summer as of now. Dehydration, bad food, and a bad leg is what sealed my fate. When I got gatorade at the final aid station, when I tried to drink it, all the contents in my stomach went out of me and my leg hurt too much to continue. The people at the aid station made the call to toss me into one of their fallen runner gators. So I never completed this middle of the night course because of being consider to the point of too out of shape to continue. : (

they go deeper...

the invisable scars,

sink further into my skin,

as a dream Of the end,

No matter how much I try,

The voices come back to my mind,

" kill yourself!",

they yell,

but no matter how much I want to comply,

I keep on living for Jesus,

no matter how much I want to bleed.

My Darkest Hour..

My Darkest Hour.    

____________________

In my darkest  hour,

You stand by me,

Even when it all is falling,

You stop  the bleeding,

when I feel dead as night,

You come in and save me,

You truly are the Light ,

Thank You Jesus for rescuing me,

From turning to Mandy and Molly, 

Help me stay on the right path,

Even when I feel like i'm dying,

Thank you for saving me,

You are here for me Lord,

Even in my darkest hours.

dying out,but will survive

Jesus i am dying out,

Like a extinct species,

I can't take this messs,

At all anymore.

I'm sick of myself,

Sick of my home,

Sick of my folks,

And sick of my mind.

Jesus take me home,

I just don't know,

If I can deal with this much longer!

But I know I must live,

though often I don't want to.

Lord you put me here for a reason,

Let your will be done in me ,

Don't let me fall apart.

Why am I alive? Why do I have to be alive?

Well, recently my life has been a wreck and i've had my emotions go haywire. Just now some negative thoughts bout my stupid self are running through my head..... It is insane. Jesus help me! I'm dying inside. Why did you make me? Why am I alive? Jesus, whatever the reason is help me from hurting myself please! I don't want to hurt myself. Do I ? What is wrong with me? I don't understand myself. All I know is the invisable blood is flowing like a river i'm drowning in. Every hidden tear is one scar nobody will see. I don't know myself anymore...



The invisable scars,

the ones nobody sees,

the unheard screams,

the ones nobody hears,

it all seems so fine,

but undernieth his smike,

he is dying inside,

nobody hears his cries,

and slowly, slowly,

he slowly fades away.




Update: I have cycles of mania and depression and i'm expressing depression i'm dealing with now.

Why do I want you so much?

I want you so badly girl,

I just miss you so,

Why did you  have to leave me alone?

I want to be with you girl,

We both truly know,

That we are better of together than apart.

Story behind my invisable scars line I base my poetry off of...

It was a line created by me that I have based many of my poems on. The invisible scars and unseen bleeding is essentially me expressing pain. I created the idea of invisible scars I think at a time when I was at my lowest. I am openly bipolar and self violent some times. I use the imaginary scars as a way to express the pain I have when depressed. That's it.

The invisible scars you do not see,

They are all too real,

I hide so much pain under this smile,

So you don't have to feel what I feel.

When Satan assaults you emotionally...

It has been happening to me recently. Satan has been trying to tell me i'm not enough. It is driving me crazy but I know God is in control and he will guide me and help me end these emotions. I think most Christians experience it at times. Satan preys on our weaknesses and emotions and tries to mentally take control of you via mental tactics he uses like doubt and fear. Even Jesus, he had to deal with these emotions while in the wilderness. but as Christians, we can overcome these emotions. As Paul writes to the Christians in Philippi , " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:13. That includes fighting the evils Satan can throw at us. don't be a victim . With god's help , overcome!

When you hit rock bottom..

When you hit rock bottom,

And have nowhere to go,

When your life is hanging,

On a rope,

Turn to Jesus  the one who saves,

And let him show you the way.


- poetry.

*I don't know about y'all but sometimes I can get sick of myself. I wish I turned to Jesus first more often. Us Christians should try better to turn to our master instead of using him as a last resort. He's prevented me from killing myself before and given me strength to carry on.

Burning bridges

I'm burning a bridge,

We built together,

Out of love and caring,

Twine by emotional bonds,

Close smiles  and looking in each other's eyes,

And  a passion to make things happen,

I thought this bridge would never destruct,

That It was built well,

But the truth I see now,

It must go down in flames,

The foundation was badly made,

And it must be unmade.

The destruction must go well,

not one brick left unturned,

not one board or plank not burnt.

It all must go,

It must burn away,

none of it will decay,

It will just burn away.


                                 

             ( Dedicated to someone who i thought was a blessing but turned out to be just another pain. I wish I had never cared about her.)

i'm restless

I am so restless,

I spend many nights without sleep,

My emotions make me go a little crazy,

I love the night,

It loves me,

Even though I  feel so lonely,

It may kill me one day,

But Hey!

I still stay awake at day!

Room Renovations Part 2

So here's the new version of my room:

I have this giant new bed to replace my old one.

                                               I loved the mini bar to were the doll stuff was


                                                   

Where the mini bar was , I moved all my doll stuff and it really is much cleaner looking. I made some adjustments. I turned my old end table I no longer use into a trundle bed by turning the enndtable's shelf into a doll bed and I put my old pillow as a trundle under the bed in a way it could be pulled out for when needed

Room Renovations! : ) (finally!)

Well, for a while my room has needed some changes. So That has been what happened and to be honest, I think it looks less of a mess.

                    Here's my old room :


                             

This is my old room set up section one. It is the part that is yet to have changed but desk replacements are under way

   

This is my old bed. It's a twin and rather small

This area was a mini bar of some sort. Thus those glasses and bottles

That's the old American Girl doll home. It spread across the wall.

Now for The new

her

She's beautiful,

Perfect,

She's everything to me.

She's like a angel when she's smilin,

I know I am dyin,

But i wish she could see,

Just how much she means to me.