Thursday, December 29, 2016

feel it...

Feel it,

girl you caused the pain,

look at the mistake you made,

i hope you are happy ,

now that you are gulity of my suicide,

along with years of lack of being wanted,

i'm about to loose it.

i have a knife by my side to slash my wrists,

I know it will give you jooy if i'm gone,

so now enjoy what is left of me.

( I ain't gonna hurt myself in reality. I just am expressing my frustration in a poem. she turned out to put me through hell and I miss her badly.)

Sunday, December 18, 2016

My Darkest Hour..

My Darkest Hour.    

In my darkest  hour,

You stand by me,

Even when it all is falling,

You stop  the bleeding,

when I feel dead as night,

You come in and save me,

You truly are the Light ,

Thank You Jesus for rescuing me,

From turning to Mandy and Molly, 

Help me stay on the right path,

Even when I feel like i'm dying,

Thank you for saving me,

You are here for me Lord,

Even in my darkest hours.

What is happening to me???

My moods are getting worse and worse. I feel like drowning myself. I'm already drowning in tears that feel like blood even though they are only tears. Years of life have been tearing me apart. It has come almost to the point I can barely stand my own body. My mind is always messed up and I can't tell or trust anyone. It is hard to deal with myself these days cause I know I will wake up to the same person every day, myself. I don't know what else to say. Jesus Help Me!


Just you and me...

Just you and me baby,

Together on the dance floor,

Lost in your eyes and your smile,

I forget we are not alone,

Makes me think of our first good time,

At that concert in Greensboro,

You were screaming and singing to a band I didn't even like,

But I didn't care cause you were there ,

Months went by and you could be found there,

cheering me on at every cross country race,

Then coming to my track meet in the freezing cold,

Just to see me get last place running the mile yet break my P.R.,

Remember the night we went to prom?

You looked so dang good in that orange fancy dress,

And how I made 5 requests for that one song to turn you on,

Comes winter and change,

When we get washed up by November Rain,

College is calling my name but tonight babe,

We will do one last time around the floor,

Before it is time to say goodbye,

So don't think about tomorrow,

Just think about tonight ,

Cause this is our final night,

Before our southern story ends.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

why does nobody really care?

Why? It makes no sense. Why just abandon me ?
I never did anything bad to her.
Why do people not care about me?
Why am I not loved?
Why am I alive?
why why why!?

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

The end is near..

Wow! Things have gone by so fast! It does not seem too long ago when I first started cross country and now I'm finishing up my final season of Winter Track and my final classes??!!?? It's crazy.  In the meantime I've still been looking for work, back to playing my favorite game on my phone, rockin out to music, drinking lots of Dr. Pepper and Cheerwine, and sleeping or riding when i'm not practicing for track/running or doing school. I've also been going to basketball games at my school. Anyways, high school is ending and a new chapter of my life will start, or as I call it , " The final finish line is so close." I'm struggling in many areas of my life but advancing in others. I have also learned a bit about the free market and how businesses work. My online eBay store is under liquidation because it was a flop of a business . I chose the wrong product to sell. My race at Wrightsville beach is getting closer and closer.

There is hope at the end of this tunnel,

So don't give up,

God loves you so  for His sake keep on,

Life is though and rough,

But in the end it's all part of God's plan.

Monday, December 12, 2016

dying out,but will survive

Jesus i am dying out,

Like a extinct species,

I can't take this messs,

At all anymore.

I'm sick of myself,

Sick of my home,

Sick of my folks,

And sick of my mind.

Jesus take me home,

I just don't know,

If I can deal with this much longer!

But I know I must live,

though often I don't want to.

Lord you put me here for a reason,

Let your will be done in me ,

Don't let me fall apart.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

A dying princess

A  princess died tonight,

Not one of rich and power and might,

but one who was poor and torn,

She was beautiful despite the scars she wore,

The whole world seemed to hate her.

With every hit her mom gave,

And every blow from her dad,

This princess, my princess,

decided to be dead.

So in her father's study,

she got out a .45 pistol,

she pointed it at her head,

the bullet went in,

and she was dead.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Why am I alive? Why do I have to be alive?

Well, recently my life has been a wreck and i've had my emotions go haywire. Just now some negative thoughts bout my stupid self are running through my head..... It is insane. Jesus help me! I'm dying inside. Why did you make me? Why am I alive? Jesus, whatever the reason is help me from hurting myself please! I don't want to hurt myself. Do I ? What is wrong with me? I don't understand myself. All I know is the invisable blood is flowing like a river i'm drowning in. Every hidden tear is one scar nobody will see. I don't know myself anymore...

The invisable scars,

the ones nobody sees,

the unheard screams,

the ones nobody hears,

it all seems so fine,

but undernieth his smike,

he is dying inside,

nobody hears his cries,

and slowly, slowly,

he slowly fades away.

Update: I have cycles of mania and depression and i'm expressing depression i'm dealing with now.