Sunday, November 29, 2015

casting crowns- does anybody hear her

This song is amazing. I have Bipolar Disorder and I can imagine what the person in this song is going through



Are they real,

If so,  friends, why are you not here for me?

When I need you the most,

You are gone,

When times get hard,

Nobody is around,

I am stick of my life as it is,

why do some of y'all make me feel more worthless?

Thursday, November 26, 2015

why are we hiding? ( why do protected classes exist?)

I wake up every morning to the crazy beilef,

That It is wrong to be me,

I can't do this i can't do that,

There is a way i'm expected to be,

To be normal as can be,

Don't you dare show a sign,

That there is pain under your smile,

Who would care, what  will it do,

If people knew you as you,

Hiding it all works for awhile,

Until you are hanging on a rope in your closet.

If they knew your secret,

that you have a messed up head,

would they hate you and wish you dead?

In a world where we are taught tollerence ,

why are we not tollerated?

Even queers are toleerated now,

and yet you aren't?

they don't give a damn what is in your head,

They don't give a fuck if you are broken,

Bullying is tolerated if you are not in a protected class,

Why are we hiding?

Keeping secret our disease,

weather it is Autism, Bipolar or ADHD.

The hurt is real,

we are not fake.

You call us psychos,

yet you respect,

Only if it politically correct.

If we stand united you may see,

We can be happy .

For us normal is not a reality.

I'm sick of the choose and pick,

I hate being so fake,

let me be free, and don't worry about me./

somebody save me! I am not crazy!

I know you don't care about a disease,

That can wreck peoples lives,

they say " put them in a hospital, and leave them there to stay.",

or  "Lets mercy kill them and finally put them away."

my message to my type is this:

why do we hide our mental illness?

Screw you, cold world!!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Smile Empty Soul- Bottom of the bottle

My story.

As most of y'all who follow me know, I am a teen writer and blogger. I wanted to share my story on how I became who I am. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and High Functioning Autism when I was in kindergarten. Bipolar disorder is where your emotions essentially go haywire. One second you can be high as a kite and in la la land, while the next you can be pissed off at the whole world. Autism is a developmental disorder that is characterized by being a genius at some basic academic ways and completely the opposite in other cases. For me I am a Social Studies expert but I suck at math. Well anyways, to continue with my story. My dad is a ex church elder and training to be a minister so I come from a Christian background and share the Christian faith. flashback the fall of 2014, my dad has a high role at our church and our minister retires. We are kicked out of the church for good. Sudden changes like that effect me in a negative way, and I still am having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I don't adjust to change well. Flashback again all the way to 2009. I was in  my first relationship with the girl who was in a supposedly perfect family at the church we had went to then. I was first introduced to 2 things: country music and a love for diapers. I heard my first country song on 94.7 WQDR , the local country station and since then have never put it up.  I now listen to country and rock music , depending on my moods. Music became a obsession and It still is. People with Autism struggle with being obsessed with things. In 2012 I was self admitted to a suicide prevention center after a crisis between me and a girl and Bipolar depression. It was a nightmare and I swore I would never try to die again. At that time I started to deal with my emotions and pain by using diapers made for little kids who don't know pain. I like to fantasize about me being  a 2 year old still in diapers who does not know how painful the world is. Well, in 2013 I transferred from homeschool to a public high school called Eastern Alimance High School, where I became friends with a very pretty cheerleader. It took me months to learn I was acting stalkerish and I had no clue.I had became obsessed over her and it killed our friendship. Still today I have anger issues, but mostly mania and depression, that is visible in class. I am trying harder to learn how to treat a girl, how to talk properly, what is OK and what is not.  That's my story of me so far.