Wednesday, July 19, 2017

they go deeper...

the invisable scars,

sink further into my skin,

as a dream Of the end,

No matter how much I try,

The voices come back to my mind,

" kill yourself!",

they yell,

but no matter how much I want to comply,

I keep on living for Jesus,

no matter how much I want to bleed.

Monday, July 3, 2017

beauity in the pain...

There is beauty in the pain,

just listen to what I say,

Cause I try to find it every day,

The invisible scars sting,

But they are a witness to me,

That their existence reminds me i'm human,

God saved me from myself,

And because of this,

I use my pain as a testimony ,

to those who are also broken.



Sunday, July 2, 2017

A open letter

I'm sorry if I was not enough for you. I tried my best but if I was not enough or too much I 

understand. I have made so many mistakes that I wish I could have stopped and God blessed

me so much to let you be part of my life. I remember back in high school when I first met you. I was

sitting alone at a football game and it was my junior year. I don't remember the team the Eastern

Alamance Eagles were playing against but I DO remember the opponent did horrible.

Damn. You have grown so much since then and so have I. I'm nearly 20 and you are already into

your second year in High School? How has time flown by so fast? I remember me being really

excited when you made to ten on that Lake Mackintosh XC trail that I sucked at. I was so proud.

This year you are gonna make top five in female runners, I know you will. Stay strong.

How am I really going to be 20 in 4 months? This is crazy. I just want you to know I miss you

And I hope to see you soon. Oh yes, I almost forgot, Make Soccer  Great Again!  God Bless, L.M.





                             

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

dreams

Dreams: they never fulfill true happiness you would think they  would give.
 
In a "me" based society that counts to much on the American Dream we 

can get too caught up in these so called dreams that we think will make us happy.

What I think us Christians need to remember our lives should NOT live it up,

We must remember our future is in God's hands not ours! 

When we forget this basic fact it can lead to idolatry of things.



                       


Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Amy's suicide

The bleeding goes on, 
 

but the hurt is gone,

As Amy's soul departs from her body, 

The battle she faught was hard,

with no family and no real home,

she laid in a hotel room all alone,

Amy told herself ,

" My family is gone, 

Except for God I am alone,."

So Amy did what she thought she needed to do,

The blade went through her wrists, 

While she was overdosing on her sister's perscriptions,

After the cuts were clear,

and the effects of Clonazpam kicked in,

The drowsiness shot in,

It was all so blurry to know what she was doing,

So without thinking,

Amy jumped and fell......

And now her soul is finally at peace,

while she is in heaven eternally

Sunday, June 25, 2017

lonliness...

So guys... how do I start this? I have been really lonely recently and my life is slowly going downhill again.  I hate the fact I am so needy and hate being alone. Add in the fact stress is destroying me as I have just finished up section D of my midterm exam and  as a perfectionist at school and loving to do really well at things yet at the same time a procrastinator at times if something is really hard, this test is taking a toll on me as I know i'm not likely to do well. Earlier today I thought about killing myself ( yes, I seriously thought about taking my life over midterm exams.) but i decided that would be a BAD idea and thus stayed alive. Physically I feel ok but emotionally i'm a train wreck and always will be. : ((((     So overall though i've been doing ok.

The invisable scars bleed harder,


and the pain is hard to resist,

but to survive the warrior must Persist,

No disease will destroy his spirit,

even if it destroys his body,

he is still together,

the world around him looks different,

but it is the same as the real one,

through his eyes he sees it diffrently though,

and wants to help others heal,

The one thing he is not able to let himself do,

He tries to help others with...

Friday, June 23, 2017

Losses and how they make you stronger.

One of my friends lost a friend of hers and it really hurt her. The loss left me
    thinking about how, even though pain stings for a while, God uses all of this for His glory to
   make us stronger. I think of my teen years which are almost over. I’ve lost many friends
  including a whole church worth of friends. Throughout High School i developed a close   
 Friendship with. She went out of her way to show me love even though we are just so different she did band and I ran Track and Cross Country, 2 worlds that collide. Anyways we were very close till she dumped me randomly. My case i’m trying to make is these things have made me stronger. God uses our problems, no matter how big or small, for His glory and even though we can’t always see why, it is God’s greater plan. So whether it be a dead relative or a friend who leaves you, it will seem hard at the time but we only see the small part of the greater picture.
Finally, we must remember our hope is in Jesus Christ not on people or things, which will pass by.

Jeremiah-29-b.jpg

Saturday, June 17, 2017

So what now?

Well, I've officially got my diploma and I still have so many choices to make! I have one accepted

job offer at Cracker Barrel but the job is not bearable due to multiple reasons including neglecting

cleanliness, low staff, and just a unsafe envornment. I have multiple applications down on my pool

table and still have multiple offers on the table. Pray I get a good job please. My running team i'm

part of, Ainsley's Angels, is on summer break so i'm once again I am practicing alone. Also, I am

really struggling with friendships badly. So now that i;m done with high school and about to do

midterms for my Landscape Irrigation class, I still need a job. So i'm struggling in life but I will keep fighting.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Till The End

Till The End,

I take an oath,

I will protect you,

My Family,

And my Country,

The day may come,

When i'm gone,

But just know,

America is the land of the free,

So raise the flag an ring the bells,

For God and Country,

I will serve till death take me,

America will be kept free,

To hell with her enemies!

We will not let the liberal Bolsheviks ,

take our freedom away!

America will be made great again!

____________
God Bless all those who fight for our freedom,
both overseas and in office.  

My Graduatiin Ceremony

So this Monday I had my High School graduation Ceremony ( Forget I'm halfway thruough my first semester of college.) , and me along with the result
Of the Eastern Alamance High School Class of 2017 got or diplomas . The night started with waiting a hour in the gym of the church the Ceremony was being held. I almost died form dehydration! We finally got to go into the chapel where graduation was being held . After some boring speeches and badly done music , everyone got up and one by bit me, systematically got their diplomas. It was done in alphabetical order and since my last name is White I was I in the last row of students. Earlier a student who was also graduating told me I was not able to run in my graduation cap and gown. When they called my name I treated the graduation stage not much differently than a curb in a cross country trail and ran , in cap and gown , across the stage to get my diploma . I sped things up to say the least. People all of the sudden started clapping and cheering at me ! I was like " What The Heck?" I was just getting my diploma my style . That's all. Well apparently everyone loved it and was humored. Here's the video:

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Hey guys... Please give me your feedback on my writings

Hey guys I've once again started posting my writings on my blog please give feedback per post thank you. All feedback is welcome.
                                                               











                Thank you for following my blog also. I will keep working on things to improve it.

Strange Love

“We have to do something about our 18 year old baby. I have college and you have work. We don’t have time to make sure our little is in a clean diaper and is breastfed daily. It is too much!” Said Tiff.

“I know it is an issue we need to find our baby a proper caretaker. But nobody has been willing to take care of him. Wait... have we tried that Glenview nonprofit childcare place? I think they will take in any child of any age.”

Tiff then responded exclaiming, “you know how crazy that place is said to be Matthew! Supposedly the mistress of the place is a drunk. But if nobody else will take him, we should see.”

A woman from Glenview answered the phone with a grouchy voice, “what do you want? Are you a new enrollee ? If so tell me how we can assess your child?”

The phone crackled as Tiff answered, “our 18 year old teen baby needs caring for and we can’t take care of him 24/7. Nobody else has taken him in so I was hoping…. “

The woman responded saying, “we will take care of your baby. He will love it here, and hopefully get along with the other little ones. Come over on Wednesday and things can be completed.”

With that the woman hung up the phone. Baby started crying so Tiff ran to get a clean diaper ready.

Glenview, North Carolina. The town was known for being plagued by drug wars and shootings. Noted as the most dangerous part of North Carolina, it was essentially the dark side of Durham. NC renamed because Durham did not want to share the same name as that part of the town. Meth Kitchens and druggies were not common and most businesses were boarded up and vandalized by thugs who had nothing better to do. The local high school had only one year ago dealt with a shooting where 5 students died after a Iraqi American yelled Allah Akbar and open fire with a Ak-47.

Amy was new to the area. A runaway from Chicago Illinois. She had lived in Glenview for about 3 years. With little money of her own, she had bought a boarded up one bedroom home that was fully paid off from a family of 2 who essentially left the town in fear of their lives for $1,200. This whole Durham thing had been a whole new world to her from her expensive rich life she had lived in luxury in a Chicago High Rise. But her job at Glenview Childcare had been enough to pay her expenses. The nightlife was crazy and she tended to lack self control. Her boyfriend was a tough one who had just got out of prison for dealing drugs. He had tattoos all over himself and had a sense of control, but  she felt like she had no way out. Day in and day out she drove her 1975 Ford Pinto, wondering if she would ever get free, no longer have to take care of babies she wished were her own.
That all changed the day that she heard of the arrival of a teen toddler named Evan. “ Mistress, I really want to take care of our new baby specifically. He is different than the other babies who are of different sizes. I want this job so bad. He sounds like such a sweet kid and of interesting character. Mistress, I know I have always kind of been a pain and a troublemaker in your eyes. But this baby, I think he is more someone I can take care of.“

Mistress responded saying “ We will be introduced to him tomorrow, then I will let him choose who he wants to be his caretaker. Oh yes, if you want to care for him yourself,you will have to be removed from the rest of the babies and use the old nursery that the church still owns but has not used in years. “

Amy was shocked but her stubborn self and pride and how much she wanted the task got the best of her. She came to Glenview for a new life and freedom. This building referred to was boarded up and needed repairs in so many levels. “ I will agree to these terms, Mistress. But, will you get the church to help pay for the fixing windows and such? “ Amy asked.

Mistress said “ No! And the inside is already furnished just in case you are wondering.”

Tiff went to Glenview Childcare with Baby Evan and his special teen toddler things and met 2 women at the door. One looked like a punk and the other looked old and not nice. “ So… Miss Tiff, me and my 18 year old schizophrenic lil punk ( Amy blushes with anger) here want to know which of us baby Evan would rather have. This punk her name is  Amy, she really thinks she can care for him properly while she has had issues managing the actual babies. If he chooses Amy, he will get heaven knows what type of type of treatment , but if you let me take care of him just like the other babies he will be in good hands.” Mistress said.

Held up anger went through Amy’s veins but she kept control and said “ I really want baby Evan! He just looks like someone I can truly care for. Mistress is not used to new things and I want to hold and protect your little one. Please. I heard he has Bipolar Disorder and Autism. I have longed for someone like me who also suffers from a disability. Let me care for him. Mistress doesn’t understand disabilities. I do. “

Tiff then asked her Little who he wanted, while hoping he would chose the older woman. But to Tiff’s dismay, Evan choose the punk girl.

“HOW DARE YOU!!” yelled Mistress, as Tiff left, she was in disbelief.

“Mistress, I know you did not expect this. He is my baby now. You said so. And no matter what you say I am NOT giving him up.”

Amy took me to her Pinto once Tiff was gone and said “ Evan, I may not be the brightest girl in the world and Mistress was right, I am a schizophrenic. I know you are a teen toddler but do you know how to live outside of babyhood? “

I responded with “ Yes Amy, I am a teen toddler. Thank you for rescuing me from that horrible sounding woman. I feel like you will become more than my nurse, but also my friend. I fear that wicked woman will encage me. Where are we going. Amy? “

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Stress...

Hi Guys can you all pray for me. I'm dealing with a lot of stress and this is not good. I have much stress going on and its driving me nuts . My meds are not working and it is bad. But God is good he will help me. " Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. "


Thus said I recantly have been chatting with my catholic friend. This is what he does not understand:


         


He believes without works we can't be saved. This is a major error cause The Bible is clear that It is not our works that save us. Why is this not understood? Pray for him and that he will become a Christian. Thus said , I have school tomorrow so I best log off but have a blessed Sunday! 

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

A Queen's Suicide

the nation cries,

as the funeral proceeds,

dead is their queen,

She was loved by her people ,

but nobody knew,

about the fight within her,

Since she was a girl they were hurting her,

it was hard to understand,

cause they always came and went,

Through her royal glory ,

She hid the gunshot on her arm,

Told them all that she had been shot.

Many a man chased after her,

but she would not allow them in,

Every night she prayed to God,

for help to make it through another day,

As daily the depression got worse,

It ran like a drug through her  veins.

They kept calling her a cr**r, a sl*t, and a ret*rd,

and a year after her coronation,

she was only 24 years old,

yet it got out of her control one night,

In a crazy depression episode,

she went to her room,

and as the music played ,

and the guests in the ball room,

were partying on,

Nobody noticed her presence was gone.

Enough!  Queen Amy cried,

And with that she pulled a revolver from her dresser drawer,

 with tears in her eyes and no hope left,

She pulled the trigger and was dead,

Amy was finally at peace ,

And even after her suicide nobody understood,

Cause of the ignorance that haunts this world.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Brave New World

 Life changes and so do I I guess. College is about to start and It is exciting, yet I am going to miss those I left behind.

I hold what I have learned in my heart even when it hurts. Cause it can hurt at times.

However, in this Brave New World I am entering, New challenges await.

Just like a 10k trail there are curves on the way to the finish line, yet each one makes me stronger.

I thank God for all he has given me and the strength eh has provided me all these years.

So while the pain may be there I will keep ahead just like I do at every race.






Friday, May 19, 2017

Through the pain

Through the pain I've learned so much,

It stung and it burnt but the lessons won't be forget,

Those who came and those who left ,

And my past and what I am ,

Through the burns I've felt the emotion,

That nobody should have to feel,

The Invisable scars are bleeding,

But nobody can see,

Only Jesus knows what I am going thru,

And how I feel so much pain,

The lessons I've learned through it......



Monday, May 1, 2017

cry out to Jesus...

Well, I will start this post off by saying it was inspired partly by the Third Day song Cry Out To 

Jesus. As most of y'all who follow me know, I have Autism and Bipolar Disorder. Recently it has 

been very tough as I am going through many changes that have caused increased mood swings and 

depression. Throughout all this, I have learned that at the end of the day, Jesus is there for you always 

and that's why as Christians, in distress we should Cry Out To Jesus. He can help if you let Him. ...


 There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
- Third Day                                        




Tuesday, March 21, 2017

When you nearly lose your life...

I got into a wreck a few days ago when my Buddy 50cc Moped hit a silver car.

Well, I had just left the coffee shop and was in no state to be on the road. My anti mania meds were not in effect and I had too much caffeine in my body. I thoughtlessly drove at dangerous speed down a residential road and tried to bypass a car. The car turned right as I was side by side, and I got hit. Flew into the air. My moped was on one side of the road while  I was lying and heavily bleeding everywhere on the road. Thank God I managed to get back on my feet and get home even as I continued to loose blood. The wound on my arm has been healing and I am getting better but it is just a reminder on how short life can be and the costs of unsafe driving. One small factor changed in the wreck and I could have been dead at the spot. I was the only person injured. Guys, God could take you away any day, you never know if you will get into a crash and die or something could kill you. When you get into near death issues on the road it can change the way you think.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

why am I alive?

Often I wish i was never born cause then i would not have to deal with all this pain but I am alive. God gave me this pain for a reason I guess but it is really hard to bear  some days. Often i don't feel wanted. I wish I was not so ugly. Yet at the same time if i was different than who I am, I honestly doubt i would know myself. My disability can be a pain at times and causes much emotional pain.. But God uses such circumstances like mine for His glory.



                                   
I will use the gifts God gave me to fight the best I can. 

Thursday, March 2, 2017

rescue from death.....

Rescued from death ,

Saved by God,

Jesus  saved me,

Though the invisible scars,

They will be never be healed,

But Jesus saved me through the blood he gave,

His death and resurrection,

It has revived my soul.

Why should I die,

When Jesus is on my side?

Why should I self harm,

When God's love is in my heart?





Sunday, February 26, 2017

Saturday, February 4, 2017

yellow pills.....

My life is going out of control,

Nobody cares about me and it is so sad,

Thank God for these yellow pills,

These things my doctor gave me,

they will sink me into a sleepy coma,

just got to get it right then I will die.

Thank God for these yellow pills,

The ones my doctor gave me.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

The final days

It is the final days,

Of the very way ,

I have known things,

It's not that long,

Till it is all over,

And I won't have to see her,

The final finish line,

It is in sight,

I think I see the light! : )

Friday, January 6, 2017

the iron curtian dividing America.

Throghout last year i felt like a iron curtain like the one that Churchill described when referring to the USSR in 1946, it is not the same though cause it is made up of a divided nation on the verge of civil war unless change is made. Chaos has struck America as we fight over what guns we can shoot and why we can't be who we want to be. I am upset and am doing this article to show my opinion. Both racial profiling and race baiting has been a issue along with racism cases, many which had been proven as the police justifiably shooting someone because the person was a armed criminal who was a danger. Morally america is a disaster, with people who get sued for keeping the law and disregard of the constitution, and most of all, disregarding God's law. As Americans if we can't get along I see no choice in the future but another war between the states. Christianity is targeted as a form of discrimination by people who discriminate openly against Christians. This is insane and something has to be done. as Americans the start we can make is not turn against each other. Freedom is never one generation away from extinction according to Ronald Regan. If we hate each other we will not stand as a nation. Please Americans lets stand under one flag. I don't care about your race, age, gender, etc. There is no excuse for violence and hate. The result of us disagreeing is the district courts, courts of appeals,small claims courts, state suprime courts, and the Suprime Court  trying to solve our problems by lawsuits and trials. If we give the government all our problems we are treating ourselves like we are the government's slaves. I urge as Americans to get along and not fight over political issues to the point we all hate  each other and don't make the government get involved with everything under the sun. the more the government gets involved in a divided  nation the more we become like big babies. Lets take America back and not let us fall apart on each other and don't have all our solutions be turn to the gov't. We are AMERICA not the USSR.