Hi guys. I hope your November has been great! I did a half marathon in Willimington , NC. It was my first one where I actually ran the whole thing ( no slowing down.) and the first time I did a road race half marathon. It was so fun! My final timing was 2 hours and 20 minutes . My placing was 561st out of 810 finishers. That was ok. My friend from the area did not show up sadly. My best friend, sadly alerted me that for reasons I will not mention , she can't text me anymore . : (
Loneliness has taken over my heart but God helps. Honestly things haven't been too bad for me other that recantly a few major episodes . oh yes , my report paper I had to turn in. The reason I got a B on it was because I made the mistake to not put a title on!!!!
Ok, I have not been around much but I'm gonna do I quick update on why I've been off for awhile.
My mental health has not been all that good and personally, I've been mentally falling apart. I've started seeing a therapist but I'm not sure how much help she will be, as she stimulates so far instead of de-stimulating. My battle has been harder than ver, but I must hide it all from my fam and friends, cause I do not need to worry them. I will be ok though. I promise. Just pray for me, ok? Things are not all that well in me.
I'm like Maria in the song emotionally... "Maria says she's dying, through the door I hear her crying. Why? I don't know," I don't know if that is the meaning behind the song, but the lyrics durn near describe someone with mental illness. Enjoy. :)
So, I decided to take a quick break from my poetry and writing, cause it is high time I mention the human behind this blog. As noted by y'all who noticed my profile or those in my small but loyal fan base, I am openly bipolar and autistic. Have been since young age. Well since the background I've already shared it, so it's time to go straight to how it is like to be me. I've already shared my depression in my poems so that ain't gonna be discussed. My Mania is the part y'all can't see. It is the other half of Bipolar Disorder and is part of where my creativity is from. Add all that up, and then go into how Autism and bipolar can effect friendships. Many people with autism are quiet, but I'm a open book. I can be complicated cause I have specific things I can talk about as long as you are willing to let me talk about them, and often I may add into a conversation I'm not part of. I still am working on my social skills.... The bipolar is what makes it all hard though.... To get into my life and into it well, you really need a lot of patience, ability to understand my mental coding well enough, ( Which is very hard.) Sometimes check and balances systems need to be set up to help with my moods and how to deal with them well. I will at times need your help calming down when I am disturbed, and you need to understand if I ever seem obsessed with you, I ain't. It just looks that way. I am more than capable of being the best friend you've ever had. If you help me , I will help you in whatever way I can.
Oh , on a second thought, I might be starting up a new blog mini book novelia . Please let me know what you think after I post chapter one. Goodnight guys!
Well, it’s high time I talk about the person behind the computer screen. As I have shared, I am a competitive runner and former high school track/XC star. Last week I ran my first ever half marathon! ( yay!) , but I got too sick to finish it , with only 3 miles left out of the 13.1 miles , I collapsed at the final aid station. Here are some of the things I learned.
First mistake I made and the biggest was 3 hour before the race we stopped for greasy Eastern Carolina BBQ. Which would end up having a major bad problem that was to effect the outcome. Ya see, it is NOT a good idea to eat at all before long distance races, especially half marathons it turns out! The race was a night time race and required a head lamp, but unfortunately I failed to turn on the light properly and it was on blink mode, leaving not much light and at least 3 falls, resulting in a bust leg that ended my ability to run fast. Towards the end however, that’s when the BBQ kicked in! In running, your body kinda more quickly digests food…. Also it was the hottest day of the summer as of now. Dehydration, bad food, and a bad leg is what sealed my fate. When I got gatorade at the final aid station, when I tried to drink it, all the contents in my stomach went out of me and my leg hurt too much to continue. The people at the aid station made the call to toss me into one of their fallen runner gators. So I never completed this middle of the night course because of being consider to the point of too out of shape to continue. : (
So guys... how do I start this? I have been really lonely recently and my life is slowly going downhill again. I hate the fact I am so needy and hate being alone. Add in the fact stress is destroying me as I have just finished up section D of my midterm exam and as a perfectionist at school and loving to do really well at things yet at the same time a procrastinator at times if something is really hard, this test is taking a toll on me as I know i'm not likely to do well. Earlier today I thought about killing myself ( yes, I seriously thought about taking my life over midterm exams.) but i decided that would be a BAD idea and thus stayed alive. Physically I feel ok but emotionally i'm a train wreck and always will be. : (((( So overall though i've been doing ok.
One of my friends lost a friend of hers and it really hurt her. The loss left me
thinking about how, even though pain stings for a while, God uses all of this for His glory to
make us stronger. I think of my teen years which are almost over. I’ve lost many friends
including a whole church worth of friends. Throughout High School i developed a close
Friendship with. She went out of her way to show me love even though we are just so different she did band and I ran Track and Cross Country, 2 worlds that collide. Anyways we were very close till she dumped me randomly. My case i’m trying to make is these things have made me stronger. God uses our problems, no matter how big or small, for His glory and even though we can’t always see why, it is God’s greater plan. So whether it be a dead relative or a friend who leaves you, it will seem hard at the time but we only see the small part of the greater picture.
Finally, we must remember our hope is in Jesus Christ not on people or things, which will pass by.
So this Monday I had my High School graduation Ceremony ( Forget I'm halfway thruough my first semester of college.) , and me along with the result
Of the Eastern Alamance High School Class of 2017 got or diplomas . The night started with waiting a hour in the gym of the church the Ceremony was being held. I almost died form dehydration! We finally got to go into the chapel where graduation was being held . After some boring speeches and badly done music , everyone got up and one by bit me, systematically got their diplomas. It was done in alphabetical order and since my last name is White I was I in the last row of students. Earlier a student who was also graduating told me I was not able to run in my graduation cap and gown. When they called my name I treated the graduation stage not much differently than a curb in a cross country trail and ran , in cap and gown , across the stage to get my diploma . I sped things up to say the least. People all of the sudden started clapping and cheering at me ! I was like " What The Heck?" I was just getting my diploma my style . That's all. Well apparently everyone loved it and was humored. Here's the video:
“We have to do something about our 18 year old baby. I have college and you have work. We don’t have time to make sure our little is in a clean diaper and is breastfed daily. It is too much!” Said Tiff.
“I know it is an issue we need to find our baby a proper caretaker. But nobody has been willing to take care of him. Wait... have we tried that Glenview nonprofit childcare place? I think they will take in any child of any age.”
Tiff then responded exclaiming, “you know how crazy that place is said to be Matthew! Supposedly the mistress of the place is a drunk. But if nobody else will take him, we should see.”
A woman from Glenview answered the phone with a grouchy voice, “what do you want? Are you a new enrollee ? If so tell me how we can assess your child?”
The phone crackled as Tiff answered, “our 18 year old teen baby needs caring for and we can’t take care of him 24/7. Nobody else has taken him in so I was hoping…. “
The woman responded saying, “we will take care of your baby. He will love it here, and hopefully get along with the other little ones. Come over on Wednesday and things can be completed.”
With that the woman hung up the phone. Baby started crying so Tiff ran to get a clean diaper ready.
Glenview, North Carolina. The town was known for being plagued by drug wars and shootings. Noted as the most dangerous part of North Carolina, it was essentially the dark side of Durham. NC renamed because Durham did not want to share the same name as that part of the town. Meth Kitchens and druggies were not common and most businesses were boarded up and vandalized by thugs who had nothing better to do. The local high school had only one year ago dealt with a shooting where 5 students died after a Iraqi American yelled Allah Akbar and open fire with a Ak-47.
Amy was new to the area. A runaway from Chicago Illinois. She had lived in Glenview for about 3 years. With little money of her own, she had bought a boarded up one bedroom home that was fully paid off from a family of 2 who essentially left the town in fear of their lives for $1,200. This whole Durham thing had been a whole new world to her from her expensive rich life she had lived in luxury in a Chicago High Rise. But her job at Glenview Childcare had been enough to pay her expenses. The nightlife was crazy and she tended to lack self control. Her boyfriend was a tough one who had just got out of prison for dealing drugs. He had tattoos all over himself and had a sense of control, but she felt like she had no way out. Day in and day out she drove her 1975 Ford Pinto, wondering if she would ever get free, no longer have to take care of babies she wished were her own.
That all changed the day that she heard of the arrival of a teen toddler named Evan. “ Mistress, I really want to take care of our new baby specifically. He is different than the other babies who are of different sizes. I want this job so bad. He sounds like such a sweet kid and of interesting character. Mistress, I know I have always kind of been a pain and a troublemaker in your eyes. But this baby, I think he is more someone I can take care of.“
Mistress responded saying “ We will be introduced to him tomorrow, then I will let him choose who he wants to be his caretaker. Oh yes, if you want to care for him yourself,you will have to be removed from the rest of the babies and use the old nursery that the church still owns but has not used in years. “
Amy was shocked but her stubborn self and pride and how much she wanted the task got the best of her. She came to Glenview for a new life and freedom. This building referred to was boarded up and needed repairs in so many levels. “ I will agree to these terms, Mistress. But, will you get the church to help pay for the fixing windows and such? “ Amy asked.
Mistress said “ No! And the inside is already furnished just in case you are wondering.”
Tiff went to Glenview Childcare with Baby Evan and his special teen toddler things and met 2 women at the door. One looked like a punk and the other looked old and not nice. “ So… Miss Tiff, me and my 18 year old schizophrenic lil punk ( Amy blushes with anger) here want to know which of us baby Evan would rather have. This punk her name is Amy, she really thinks she can care for him properly while she has had issues managing the actual babies. If he chooses Amy, he will get heaven knows what type of type of treatment , but if you let me take care of him just like the other babies he will be in good hands.” Mistress said.
Held up anger went through Amy’s veins but she kept control and said “ I really want baby Evan! He just looks like someone I can truly care for. Mistress is not used to new things and I want to hold and protect your little one. Please. I heard he has Bipolar Disorder and Autism. I have longed for someone like me who also suffers from a disability. Let me care for him. Mistress doesn’t understand disabilities. I do. “
Tiff then asked her Little who he wanted, while hoping he would chose the older woman. But to Tiff’s dismay, Evan choose the punk girl.
“HOW DARE YOU!!” yelled Mistress, as Tiff left, she was in disbelief.
“Mistress, I know you did not expect this. He is my baby now. You said so. And no matter what you say I am NOT giving him up.”
Amy took me to her Pinto once Tiff was gone and said “ Evan, I may not be the brightest girl in the world and Mistress was right, I am a schizophrenic. I know you are a teen toddler but do you know how to live outside of babyhood? “
I responded with “ Yes Amy, I am a teen toddler. Thank you for rescuing me from that horrible sounding woman. I feel like you will become more than my nurse, but also my friend. I fear that wicked woman will encage me. Where are we going. Amy? “
Hi Guys can you all pray for me. I'm dealing with a lot of stress and this is not good. I have much stress going on and its driving me nuts . My meds are not working and it is bad. But God is good he will help me. " Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. "
Thus said I recantly have been chatting with my catholic friend. This is what he does not understand:
He believes without works we can't be saved. This is a major error cause The Bible is clear that It is not our works that save us. Why is this not understood? Pray for him and that he will become a Christian. Thus said , I have school tomorrow so I best log off but have a blessed Sunday!
I got into a wreck a few days ago when my Buddy 50cc Moped hit a silver car.
Well, I had just left the coffee shop and was in no state to be on the road. My anti mania meds were not in effect and I had too much caffeine in my body. I thoughtlessly drove at dangerous speed down a residential road and tried to bypass a car. The car turned right as I was side by side, and I got hit. Flew into the air. My moped was on one side of the road while I was lying and heavily bleeding everywhere on the road. Thank God I managed to get back on my feet and get home even as I continued to loose blood. The wound on my arm has been healing and I am getting better but it is just a reminder on how short life can be and the costs of unsafe driving. One small factor changed in the wreck and I could have been dead at the spot. I was the only person injured. Guys, God could take you away any day, you never know if you will get into a crash and die or something could kill you. When you get into near death issues on the road it can change the way you think.
Often I wish i was never born cause then i would not have to deal with all this pain but I am alive. God gave me this pain for a reason I guess but it is really hard to bear some days. Often i don't feel wanted. I wish I was not so ugly. Yet at the same time if i was different than who I am, I honestly doubt i would know myself. My disability can be a pain at times and causes much emotional pain.. But God uses such circumstances like mine for His glory.
I will use the gifts God gave me to fight the best I can.
Throghout last year i felt like a iron curtain like the one that Churchill described when referring to the USSR in 1946, it is not the same though cause it is made up of a divided nation on the verge of civil war unless change is made. Chaos has struck America as we fight over what guns we can shoot and why we can't be who we want to be. I am upset and am doing this article to show my opinion. Both racial profiling and race baiting has been a issue along with racism cases, many which had been proven as the police justifiably shooting someone because the person was a armed criminal who was a danger. Morally america is a disaster, with people who get sued for keeping the law and disregard of the constitution, and most of all, disregarding God's law. As Americans if we can't get along I see no choice in the future but another war between the states. Christianity is targeted as a form of discrimination by people who discriminate openly against Christians. This is insane and something has to be done. as Americans the start we can make is not turn against each other. Freedom is never one generation away from extinction according to Ronald Regan. If we hate each other we will not stand as a nation. Please Americans lets stand under one flag. I don't care about your race, age, gender, etc. There is no excuse for violence and hate. The result of us disagreeing is the district courts, courts of appeals,small claims courts, state suprime courts, and the Suprime Court trying to solve our problems by lawsuits and trials. If we give the government all our problems we are treating ourselves like we are the government's slaves. I urge as Americans to get along and not fight over political issues to the point we all hate each other and don't make the government get involved with everything under the sun. the more the government gets involved in a divided nation the more we become like big babies. Lets take America back and not let us fall apart on each other and don't have all our solutions be turn to the gov't. We are AMERICA not the USSR.