Tuesday, August 15, 2017

The End is Near ( I can't escape the past!)

The end is near,

Angels I hear sing,

As I lay here dying,

Tell them all I tried,

But it was not enough,

I was just too messed up,

I couldn't feel love,

And it hurt so bad,

Such things Feel,

As I am dying inside,

Nobody saw the invisible scars,

Or knows I am collapsing,

But I know I must get up,

Must live another day,

So nobody feels my pain,

I have a good heart that has been trashed,

Like the locket I gave her,

I have been smashed,

Now all I hear is my past,

When I should not look back,

Cause the past,

That is what's killing me....

Thursday, July 27, 2017

my latest race.

Well, it’s high time I talk about the person behind the computer screen. As I have shared, I am a competitive runner and former high school track/XC star. Last week I ran my first ever half marathon! ( yay!) , but I got too sick to finish it , with only 3 miles left out of the 13.1 miles , I collapsed at the final aid station. Here are some of the things I learned.

 First mistake I made and the biggest was 3 hour before the race we stopped for greasy Eastern Carolina BBQ. Which would end up having a major bad problem that was to effect the outcome. Ya see, it is NOT a good idea to eat at all before long distance races, especially half marathons it turns out! The race was a night time race and required a head lamp, but unfortunately I failed to turn on the light properly and it was on blink mode, leaving not much light and at least 3 falls, resulting in a bust leg that ended my ability to run fast. Towards the end however, that’s when the BBQ kicked in! In running, your body kinda more quickly digests food…. Also it was the hottest day of the summer as of now. Dehydration, bad food, and a bad leg is what sealed my fate. When I got gatorade at the final aid station, when I tried to drink it, all the contents in my stomach went out of me and my leg hurt too much to continue. The people at the aid station made the call to toss me into one of their fallen runner gators. So I never completed this middle of the night course because of being consider to the point of too out of shape to continue. : (

If I died...

If I died,

Would anyone care?

If  I pushed that blade,

Straight into my heart,

or tied a rope to my head,

Would anybody be not happy that i left?

If went to the tracks,

just waited on that train,

that could be my fate,

would anybody have any regrets?

I know I must keep fighting,

but sometimes I wonder,

Would anyone even care If I was gone?

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

they go deeper...

the invisable scars,

sink further into my skin,

as a dream Of the end,

No matter how much I try,

The voices come back to my mind,

" kill yourself!",

they yell,

but no matter how much I want to comply,

I keep on living for Jesus,

no matter how much I want to bleed.

Monday, July 3, 2017

beauity in the pain...

There is beauty in the pain,

just listen to what I say,

Cause I try to find it every day,

The invisible scars sting,

But they are a witness to me,

That their existence reminds me i'm human,

God saved me from myself,

And because of this,

I use my pain as a testimony ,

to those who are also broken.



Sunday, July 2, 2017

A open letter

I'm sorry if I was not enough for you. I tried my best but if I was not enough or too much I 

understand. I have made so many mistakes that I wish I could have stopped and God blessed

me so much to let you be part of my life. I remember back in high school when I first met you. I was

sitting alone at a football game and it was my junior year. I don't remember the team the Eastern

Alamance Eagles were playing against but I DO remember the opponent did horrible.

Damn. You have grown so much since then and so have I. I'm nearly 20 and you are already into

your second year in High School? How has time flown by so fast? I remember me being really

excited when you made to ten on that Lake Mackintosh XC trail that I sucked at. I was so proud.

This year you are gonna make top five in female runners, I know you will. Stay strong.

How am I really going to be 20 in 4 months? This is crazy. I just want you to know I miss you

And I hope to see you soon. Oh yes, I almost forgot, Make Soccer  Great Again!  God Bless, L.M.





                             

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

dreams

Dreams: they never fulfill true happiness you would think they  would give.
 
In a "me" based society that counts to much on the American Dream we 

can get too caught up in these so called dreams that we think will make us happy.

What I think us Christians need to remember our lives should NOT live it up,

We must remember our future is in God's hands not ours! 

When we forget this basic fact it can lead to idolatry of things.



                       


Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Amy's suicide

The bleeding goes on, 
 

but the hurt is gone,

As Amy's soul departs from her body, 

The battle she faught was hard,

with no family and no real home,

she laid in a hotel room all alone,

Amy told herself ,

" My family is gone, 

Except for God I am alone,."

So Amy did what she thought she needed to do,

The blade went through her wrists, 

While she was overdosing on her sister's perscriptions,

After the cuts were clear,

and the effects of Clonazpam kicked in,

The drowsiness shot in,

It was all so blurry to know what she was doing,

So without thinking,

Amy jumped and fell......

And now her soul is finally at peace,

while she is in heaven eternally

Sunday, June 25, 2017

lonliness...

So guys... how do I start this? I have been really lonely recently and my life is slowly going downhill again.  I hate the fact I am so needy and hate being alone. Add in the fact stress is destroying me as I have just finished up section D of my midterm exam and  as a perfectionist at school and loving to do really well at things yet at the same time a procrastinator at times if something is really hard, this test is taking a toll on me as I know i'm not likely to do well. Earlier today I thought about killing myself ( yes, I seriously thought about taking my life over midterm exams.) but i decided that would be a BAD idea and thus stayed alive. Physically I feel ok but emotionally i'm a train wreck and always will be. : ((((     So overall though i've been doing ok.

The invisable scars bleed harder,


and the pain is hard to resist,

but to survive the warrior must Persist,

No disease will destroy his spirit,

even if it destroys his body,

he is still together,

the world around him looks different,

but it is the same as the real one,

through his eyes he sees it diffrently though,

and wants to help others heal,

The one thing he is not able to let himself do,

He tries to help others with...

Friday, June 23, 2017

Losses and how they make you stronger.

One of my friends lost a friend of hers and it really hurt her. The loss left me
    thinking about how, even though pain stings for a while, God uses all of this for His glory to
   make us stronger. I think of my teen years which are almost over. I’ve lost many friends
  including a whole church worth of friends. Throughout High School i developed a close   
 Friendship with. She went out of her way to show me love even though we are just so different she did band and I ran Track and Cross Country, 2 worlds that collide. Anyways we were very close till she dumped me randomly. My case i’m trying to make is these things have made me stronger. God uses our problems, no matter how big or small, for His glory and even though we can’t always see why, it is God’s greater plan. So whether it be a dead relative or a friend who leaves you, it will seem hard at the time but we only see the small part of the greater picture.
Finally, we must remember our hope is in Jesus Christ not on people or things, which will pass by.

Jeremiah-29-b.jpg

Saturday, June 17, 2017

So what now?

Well, I've officially got my diploma and I still have so many choices to make! I have one accepted

job offer at Cracker Barrel but the job is not bearable due to multiple reasons including neglecting

cleanliness, low staff, and just a unsafe envornment. I have multiple applications down on my pool

table and still have multiple offers on the table. Pray I get a good job please. My running team i'm

part of, Ainsley's Angels, is on summer break so i'm once again I am practicing alone. Also, I am

really struggling with friendships badly. So now that i;m done with high school and about to do

midterms for my Landscape Irrigation class, I still need a job. So i'm struggling in life but I will keep fighting.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Till The End

Till The End,

I take an oath,

I will protect you,

My Family,

And my Country,

The day may come,

When i'm gone,

But just know,

America is the land of the free,

So raise the flag an ring the bells,

For God and Country,

I will serve till death take me,

America will be kept free,

To hell with her enemies!

We will not let the liberal Bolsheviks ,

take our freedom away!

America will be made great again!

____________
God Bless all those who fight for our freedom,
both overseas and in office.