Monday, November 13, 2017

possible new post series

Hey guys! I hope y'all are doing well. Good News!!!

I have decided to take a break from poetry and write

a story about the suicide of an 18-year-old girl named Amy.

Or is it a suicide after all? 

Stick around to figure out.






Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Recovery

Hi guys. I hope your November has been great! I did a half marathon in Willimington , NC. It was my first one where I actually ran the whole thing ( no slowing down.) and the first time I did a road race half marathon. It was so fun! My final timing was 2 hours and 20 minutes . My placing was 561st out of 810 finishers. That was ok. My friend from the area did not show up sadly. My best friend, sadly alerted me that for reasons I will not mention , she can't text me anymore . : (
Loneliness has taken over my heart but God helps. Honestly things haven't been too bad for me other that recantly a few major episodes .  oh yes , my report paper I had to turn in. The reason I got a B on it was because I made the mistake to not put a title on!!!!

The invisbale scars,

That can't be seen,

I know they are there ,

But they are with God's help healing

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Heven Help me.

Heaven Help Me,

As I fall apart,

My mind is like a burning house,

With nothing but ashes surviving,

As the walls burn apart,

Jesus Save me,

As my mind fills with pain,

Inhalation of the stuff is clogging my mind,

Abandonment in a happy crowd,

Nobody knowing I'm alone,

I just want to go home  : (

my mind: update

Ok, I have not been around much but I'm gonna do I quick update on why I've been off for awhile.
My mental health has not been all that good and personally, I've been mentally falling apart. I've started seeing a therapist but I'm not sure how much help she will be, as she stimulates so far instead of de-stimulating. My battle has been harder than ver, but I must hide it all from my fam and friends, cause I do not need to worry them. I will be ok though. I promise. Just pray for me, ok? Things are not all that well in me. 


Sunday, October 15, 2017

Music Video of the week: Counting Crows - Round Here










I'm like Maria in the song emotionally... "Maria says she's dying, through the door I hear her crying. Why? I don't know,"  I don't know if that is the meaning behind the song, but the lyrics durn near describe someone with mental illness. Enjoy. :)

Autism, Bipolar, and friendships. It can work! ( and a announcement.)




So, I decided to take a quick break from my poetry and writing, cause it is high time I mention the human behind this blog. As noted by y'all who noticed my profile or those in my small but loyal fan base,  I am openly bipolar and autistic. Have been since young age. Well since the background I've already shared it, so it's time to go straight to how it is like to be me. I've already shared my depression in my poems so that ain't gonna be discussed. My Mania is the part y'all can't see. It is the other half of Bipolar Disorder and is part of where my creativity is from. Add all that up, and then go into how Autism and bipolar can effect friendships. Many people with autism are quiet, but I'm a open book. I can be complicated cause I have specific things I can talk about as long as you are willing to let me talk about them, and often I may add into a conversation I'm not part of. I still am working on my social skills.... The bipolar is what makes it all hard though.... To get into my life and into it well, you really need a lot of patience, ability to understand my mental coding well enough, ( Which is very hard.) Sometimes check and balances systems need to be set up to help with my moods and how to deal with them well. I will at times need your help calming down when I am disturbed, and you need to understand if I ever seem obsessed with you, I ain't. It just looks that way. I am more than capable of being the best friend you've ever had. If you help me , I will help you in whatever way I can.


Oh , on a second thought, I might be starting up a new blog mini book novelia . Please let me know what you think after I post chapter one. Goodnight guys!

Monday, September 11, 2017

poem of the insane lover

Come to my sanatorium ,

It's inside here,

Welcome to my asylum,

Take refuge in my insane mind,

and watch me die,

the invisible scars shed blood on my arms,

they bleed for you,

the madness inside me,

It will infect you too,

Join The Sanitarium,

Where you will be loved,

In a rough and crazy life,

That is unheard of,

so welcome to the ward,

your room is over here,

It is the only sane place here,

Where you will be truly safe,

So take refuge from the storm,

You can stay right here,

Welcome to My Sanitarium . 

The place where the insane show care,

And we are glad you are here   :     ) 

Monday, August 28, 2017

Life moves on...

So guys, I haven't posted much about my personal life in awhile and how i'm dealing with change.

My life is changing. Slowly, I have distanced myself from Cross Country, and have put more focus on

 my own running practices. Socially, Alamance Community College is MUCH better than . my high

school was. I have met someone who actually does NOT put me as last person to talk to. That was a

main issue I had in High School. I was given a TON of farm land to use by some friends of mine,

who had no ability to use it at the time, and I quickly learned it is one heck of a mess to work with,

as everything is dilapidated and overgrown except the row of plants I am using to grow beans and

lettuce, which me and the people who owned the land cleaned out. For school I am taking Soils and

Fertilizers, Turfgrass Calculations, Applied Plant Science I, Plant Materials I, and Student Success.

I miss some of my old team mates, and when thinking of them, it makes me smile. We had so much

fun, and now we have gone our separate ways. Without my brother, things are different. My dad has

converted Stephen's old room into his office, which is kinda sad. He is happy however and chasing

His dreams in Ohio, where he is going to college. Now that I have a laptop that actually can upload

pictures, expect photos finally in the near future.

Friday, August 25, 2017

my emotions....

So there is almost no way to explain what i feel. So this is the best I will do. 



Tuesday, August 15, 2017

The End is Near ( I can't escape the past!)

The end is near,

Angels I hear sing,

As I lay here dying,

Tell them all I tried,

But it was not enough,

I was just too messed up,

I couldn't feel love,

And it hurt so bad,

Such things Feel,

As I am dying inside,

Nobody saw the invisible scars,

Or knows I am collapsing,

But I know I must get up,

Must live another day,

So nobody feels my pain,

I have a good heart that has been trashed,

Like the locket I gave her,

I have been smashed,

Now all I hear is my past,

When I should not look back,

Cause the past,

That is what's killing me....

Thursday, July 27, 2017

my latest race.

Well, it’s high time I talk about the person behind the computer screen. As I have shared, I am a competitive runner and former high school track/XC star. Last week I ran my first ever half marathon! ( yay!) , but I got too sick to finish it , with only 3 miles left out of the 13.1 miles , I collapsed at the final aid station. Here are some of the things I learned.

 First mistake I made and the biggest was 3 hour before the race we stopped for greasy Eastern Carolina BBQ. Which would end up having a major bad problem that was to effect the outcome. Ya see, it is NOT a good idea to eat at all before long distance races, especially half marathons it turns out! The race was a night time race and required a head lamp, but unfortunately I failed to turn on the light properly and it was on blink mode, leaving not much light and at least 3 falls, resulting in a bust leg that ended my ability to run fast. Towards the end however, that’s when the BBQ kicked in! In running, your body kinda more quickly digests food…. Also it was the hottest day of the summer as of now. Dehydration, bad food, and a bad leg is what sealed my fate. When I got gatorade at the final aid station, when I tried to drink it, all the contents in my stomach went out of me and my leg hurt too much to continue. The people at the aid station made the call to toss me into one of their fallen runner gators. So I never completed this middle of the night course because of being consider to the point of too out of shape to continue. : (

If I died...

If I died,

Would anyone care?

If  I pushed that blade,

Straight into my heart,

or tied a rope to my head,

Would anybody be not happy that i left?

If went to the tracks,

just waited on that train,

that could be my fate,

would anybody have any regrets?

I know I must keep fighting,

but sometimes I wonder,

Would anyone even care If I was gone?