Haley was sitting on a park bench one day, thinking about
all her school problems, her grades, and failing relationships. All of the
sudden she was grabbed by a invisable force she could not see. “ What the
heck??!!” Haley said. “ shhh!” the voice responded. Seconds later she found
herself stuck inside some time machine. “ be quiet!” the voice res[onded. But
now the person speaking appeared. He was a 19 year old bearing a Colt .45. “
Why am I here?” Haley asked. “ You are being sent into the future by a group of
freedom fights called The Patriots to stop an evil leader. “ why did you choose
me?” She asked. “ The boy’s second response shocked Haley. “ Because this
future leader is your future self, you will become a tyrant, unless you can
change the path of your future. We are going to try to alter the future if you
let us. It is up to you though. He said. “
I am willing to alter my future self, if it means power will not make me
evil. I already knew some of this from visions I have had.” Just then, they
landed at a military base that the U.S. Military abandoned years ago, and
almost everyone thought it was dead. Nobody knew that behind the walls
surrounding the base, there was a whole mini city run by The Patriots. It was
just about like a small town. Haley walked into a motel, and the boy said “Until
you have a place to stay, you will live here.
Now I have to go. You might want some food and sleep, it is nearly
midnight. “Just then a blond haired girl of about 17 named Kathy walked Haley
upstairs to room 10. “ We rarely have visitors. Me and my mom run this place by
ourselves. What’s your name by the way? Mine is Kathy.” My name is Haley.” Was
her response to Kathy.“About time a few more girls came into town! We don’t
have many girls around here, so a new girl is a nice surprise. “Thanks, Kathy!
It is nice to make your acquaintance. “ Both girls were hungry, so they went to
the diner in the downstairs floor of the hotel. ‘ We have our own currency, so
any money you have from your past world is worthless, however I will pay full
charge for your meal and if you want, you can get a job working here, so you
will have some money of your own. “ I will have a Shirley Temple and the
pancake platter. “ Haley told the waitress. “ coming right up! The waitress
said. After dinner was done and the bill was paid, the girls went to Haley’s
room. Kathy had said they needed to talk in private. “I know exactly why you
are here Haley, I was not supposed to know, but I overheard all. As a hotel
worker, I hear many people’s secrets. I Also know something few others know.
Only the top leaders know it. Trust me please. Somehow assassins have gotten
in, along with a spy. We were found because of a hack. I was asked to be a
assassin but refused to do so. Please trust me. If you don’t talk to our leader
and he can confirm. I am a dangerous girl, so are you. My mom has supposedly
joined the enemy and plans on trying to kill you. She takes pills to deal with
heart issues, and drinks her pills down with a bottle of something in her room.
I have poison I was supposed to use on you, but I want you to use it on her. To
erase all doubts, I have this recording. The recording proved the evil intent
of Kathy’s mom. So with that said, it was all planned. Kathy would add excessive amounts of Molly to the water her mom drank to wash down pills. " Goodnight mother." Kathy said and she went to her room. The next day, Kathy's mother was dead, her body was all decayed somehow and worms were eating her body remains.
Hi, I'm here to give you feedback on your writing!
ReplyDelete1. You used the phrase 'just then' a lot, it's ok to use it a few times, but two or three is about the max.
2. It went wayyy to quickly, you probably need to draw it out more. You have about three hundred more words, so you can do that.
3. There were quite a few typos, very easily fixed.
4. That last sentence made me want to gag, so maybe I just can't handle dead things and description.
Nice story over all!
Thanks for feedback.
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