Thursday, February 4, 2016

short fiction.

Haley was sitting on a park bench one day, thinking about all her school problems, her grades, and failing relationships. All of the sudden she was grabbed by a invisable force she could not see. “ What the heck??!!” Haley said. “ shhh!” the voice responded. Seconds later she found herself stuck inside some time machine. “ be quiet!” the voice res[onded. But now the person speaking appeared. He was a 19 year old bearing a Colt .45. “ Why am I here?” Haley asked. “ You are being sent into the future by a group of freedom fights called The Patriots to stop an evil leader. “ why did you choose me?” She asked. “ The boy’s second response shocked Haley. “ Because this future leader is your future self, you will become a tyrant, unless you can change the path of your future. We are going to try to alter the future if you let us. It is up to you though. He said. “  I am willing to alter my future self, if it means power will not make me evil. I already knew some of this from visions I have had.” Just then, they landed at a military base that the U.S. Military abandoned years ago, and almost everyone thought it was dead. Nobody knew that behind the walls surrounding the base, there was a whole mini city run by The Patriots. It was just about like a small town. Haley walked into a motel, and the boy said “Until you have a place to stay, you will live here.  Now I have to go. You might want some food and sleep, it is nearly midnight. “Just then a blond haired girl of about 17 named Kathy walked Haley upstairs to room 10. “ We rarely have visitors. Me and my mom run this place by ourselves. What’s your name by the way? Mine is Kathy.” My name is Haley.” Was her response to Kathy.“About time a few more girls came into town! We don’t have many girls around here, so a new girl is a nice surprise. “Thanks, Kathy! It is nice to make your acquaintance. “ Both girls were hungry, so they went to the diner in the downstairs floor of the hotel. ‘ We have our own currency, so any money you have from your past world is worthless, however I will pay full charge for your meal and if you want, you can get a job working here, so you will have some money of your own. “ I will have a Shirley Temple and the pancake platter. “ Haley told the waitress. “ coming right up! The waitress said. After dinner was done and the bill was paid, the girls went to Haley’s room. Kathy had said they needed to talk in private. “I know exactly why you are here Haley, I was not supposed to know, but I overheard all. As a hotel worker, I hear many people’s secrets. I Also know something few others know. Only the top leaders know it. Trust me please. Somehow assassins have gotten in, along with a spy. We were found because of a hack. I was asked to be a assassin but refused to do so. Please trust me. If you don’t talk to our leader and he can confirm. I am a dangerous girl, so are you. My mom has supposedly joined the enemy and plans on trying to kill you. She takes pills to deal with heart issues, and drinks her pills down with a bottle of something in her room. I have poison I was supposed to use on you, but I want you to use it on her. To erase all doubts, I have this recording. The recording proved the evil intent of  Kathy’s mom. So with that said, it was all planned. Kathy would add excessive amounts of Molly to the water her mom drank to wash down pills. " Goodnight mother." Kathy said and she went to her room. The next day,  Kathy's mother was dead, her body was all decayed somehow and worms were eating her body remains.


  1. Hi, I'm here to give you feedback on your writing!

    1. You used the phrase 'just then' a lot, it's ok to use it a few times, but two or three is about the max.

    2. It went wayyy to quickly, you probably need to draw it out more. You have about three hundred more words, so you can do that.
    3. There were quite a few typos, very easily fixed.
    4. That last sentence made me want to gag, so maybe I just can't handle dead things and description.
    Nice story over all!