Thursday, December 27, 2018

Try to explain...

Try to explain to me why I feel so isolated,

Often even when with my family,

I withdraw when it seems bizarre,

It is not helpful one little bit, is it?

I just wish I knew what was wrong with me,

For me to see things the way I see,

I know God has a pan but it can be just so confusing! 

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

A quick announcement....

Hey guys! My friend needs cash and prayers for a missions trip to China.

Any Support will be welcome. Here's her Go Fund Me donation page: https://www.gofundme.com/eliz039a-mission-trip

Sorry for the short post.

****************************

Another day went on,

knowing before she knew it the time would come,

To go out and help around,

In another county in another town,

To go and share the love of  God.

Dreams

Dreams went through Mandie’s mind,

Dreams of joy and not more tears,

Ones of love and no more hurt,

A world where her troubles and afflictions were not there,

But she knew in that world she was not there,

So she fought on, fought on,

Just fought on, fought on

Sunday, December 16, 2018

There's still hope.

In the roughest of times,

And midst the hardest trials,

There's still hope,

On the darkest of days,

When I feel like I'm insane,

There's still hope,

Because the one who saved me,

Helps keep me afloat.


Monday, December 10, 2018

Lord Help Me, as I move Along. ( Poem.)

Alone and Cold now that Amy was gone, 

Her young child named Mandy,

Cried there alone,

Even as it was Christmas Time,

And no place to call home,

Her mother's talent came along,

So with the singing still with her,

Five year old Mandy started to sing,

To sing a song that was her own:

" Lord help me move along, 

On this well beatten path so worn,

And fight every trial that may come,

Don't let no evil come upon me,

And please be in my heart,

As I keep moving along,

Longing for a place to call my home,

Just like David I am hiding in the wilderness,

Help me O lord to not give in,

And to trust you over all,

As I slowly, ever slowly, move along."


Monday, November 26, 2018

Pushing forward.

Pushing forward ,

It is just so hard .

Why is it that way?

I don’t feel like it is too far.

Keep pushing on y’all,

The finish line is just so near,

And when you make it over ,

Celebrate it with a cookout , a lemonade , or  beer,

It may be crazy going now ,

But you indeed have the power to keep it on,

So keep pushing forward y’all!

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Just Another Statistic ( get help when needed.)

when everything turns red,

when it all turns red,

and they can't see the color,
the red from pain,

the red from internal stains,

from years of pain untreated,

cause nobody gave a a durn ,

Just another victim,

of something misunderstood,

Just another statistic ,

of someone too scared to get help,

Right down the street he is right there,

just missing her blue eyes,

longing for her brown hair,

And she was gone,

She was the only person who also struggled,

yet nobody knew much at all,

That was the final hit it took,

for him to also lose control,

but nobody gave a durn

So he took that final jump,

but he was only just a statistic,

a worthless piece of junk..


........... it doesn't matter what disorder someone may have. From Anorexia to Maniac-Depression, Borderline Personality to Gender Dysphoria, and anything in between do not be afraid to reach out and get help before it is too late................ don't be afraid to get help. 

Monday, November 5, 2018

A note to my followers:

For any of you who are followingme and saw in your RSS feed or whatever a post that is no longer existant titled " I am Messed Up Why was I Born?" that was filled with multiple explcitives, I am REALLY sorry! I deleted the post and had went off the deep end last night after having a major depression breakdown. I appolgize for any undesired feed and for the use of heavy swearing in that post if you saw it. Once again, i'm sorry. - Evan W.,  Creator of Amy and Mandy.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

How Would I make it without you?

Amy held little Mandy's hand,


As they walked together,

Amy started to sing.

Angel darling angel,

I look in your eyes,

And every night may you smile,

My time left may be small,

Someday I will be gone,

But I love you my little one,

May the Lord protect you ,

From everything I've had to go through,

But I don't know how i'd make it without you,

I swear no matter what I will never leave you,



Sunday, October 21, 2018

Sire Stress...

Sire Stress and his Mistress anxiety,

They are trying to take captive of me!

Telling me to come to them,

That they will get things  straight,

When I indeed know,

All they want is me to be in pain,

But I shalt say and will say to they,

God is with me and I won't let you,

I will not let you keep me kidnapped,

I will NOT let you destroy me,

So no Sire Stress,

No Mistress Anxiety,

I will NOT let you take captive me!






Monday, October 8, 2018

Lord thank you.

You know what I am going through,

That it almost is unbearable,

but still, you are there,

even throughout the pain,

When I fall apart,

You help me get up,

And Jesus, you help me fight,

And then make it another day,

Allow me to forgive,

Those who are hurting me,

And thank you for my struggles,

As they hopefully will help me lean more on you,

Thank you Lord

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Civil Wars

Internal wars plague my world,

And can interfere with my mind,

The fighting and dishonesty,

And by my part me putting in everything,

To show her that I truly do care bout her,

Sometimes it is hard at times though,

I give it all and would defend her any day,

Yet all she does is push me away ,

I guess that is my sister's game,

You can give it all you have ,

Yet it will never be enough,

I hope with the help of God can get better,

Cause she isn't what she can be,

May God forgive her. 

* sidenote: This poem is kinda personal in a different way for me. It's a ode to my younger sibling
who I try to do my best to believe in her even when she has breakdowns and doesn't understand herself fully. I want the  Civil War will end soon but it may never. 


Saturday, September 22, 2018

pushing forward!

Pushing forward,

Even when it is hard,

Feeling the winds of change,

Just blow at my face,

Looking in the mirror,

Who is that dirty mess?

Is that me?

My mind is flying,

The Hypermania makes me feel,

feel like I am flying in the sky,

Free Falling into the ground,

Then pushing forward,

My body and mind are working better,

I just want to bere with you here,,,


------  disclaimer: If this sounds like something someone would write while on drugs due to its incoherent nature. I missed a dose of my Bipolar meds so I am kinda unable to write anything that is coherent . I just felt Like I needed to write something down.

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Taking over me

It wants to take over me,

I feel it moving right in,

It is trying to get under my skin,

and into my veins,

Lord don't let it take over me!

Help me fight tonight,

And make it again,

Help me not to fail,

and for it to go back out,

right where it came from.

It may want to take over me,

but with God's help,

That will never be!!!

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Cleanup. ( God help me!)

I look at my life,

And it is a mess,

like my room,

except even nastier,

It is time to finally do something!

Let God come in,

And help deal with the wreck,

Before I crash and burn,

So Jesus help me,

Amen.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Walking away, and moving on.

I say you walk away from me, 



Why did I never see, 


That the thing that was truly, 


Unknowingly it was actually me, 


I never meant to hurt you, 


I guess It just happened, 


As much as it hurts to see you walk away, 


I will let you go, 


I will now leave you alone, 


Eternally, 


Eternally,

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Lonliness III

Amy lay there crying,

In her damp, cold room,

Everyone had abandoned her,

It was her and God alone,

Which should and was enough,

Yet she was tired of,

Being with only the dead,

Yet she was alive,

In Christ,

And he gave Amy just enough to fight,

To survive the pain they put her through,

And the lack of humans,

Amy saw the light,

And had just enough to fight.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Overcoming

I look in the mirror,

into my dark brown eyes,

And for once in awhile there is a smile,

God is helping me overcome,

But I must listen and hold on,

Hold on to him,

On to him,

And don't let go,

Cause without him you fall,

Back into it all,

And together, comes overcoming,

Overcoming,

Overcoming,

Overcoming....




Monday, July 30, 2018

Movin' on.

Amy laid on her bed,

in a Old, 1960s, motel,

A lot had gone wrong at home,

It was time to be movin' on.

She had waited for this day,

Waited for so so long,

But now it was night one,

And she had no clue where to go,

Yet it was time to move on,

Flashbacks of what had left her on the run,

They came rushing back.

That sister who lost it,

That final episode,

That made Amy save up to leave,

Cause it was time to move on,

How the rapidly tossed her luggage and rifle into the truck,

Then she just rode off.

It was time to move on,

So she got off the motel bed,

And dialed the number of a old friend,

Explaing why she had to run,

And the secret they would hold,

Even as she was movin' on.




Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Surviving

Sometimes things get hard,

And nobody knows,

Except God.

It won't go away,

But you have dealt with it so long,

Yet even now it is still hard,

But Jesus came to save us all,

And he has made those are his,

know they don't need to be gone,

So God help us hold on,

Hold on,

Hold On.

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Lord please help.

Lord please help her,

save her from herself,

Jesus she does not understand herself,

And it is destroying me,

The path she is going on.

That she is so sick,

It is not easy for her to see right or wrong.

Help ME lord!

Help me treat her the way I should,

And not get all mad,

Make me a influence to her,

And one that is good,

At her very worst,

There is a unhappy person underneath it all,

And give that girl underneath the mask joy. 

Healing Lord,

Please bring healing. 

Saturday, July 14, 2018

help.

Sometimes we really need help,

Even if you deny you need it,

As Everything falls to pieces,

even as you think that nobody cares,

someone walks right there ,

She starts asking you what is wrong?

Reluctantly, down go the walls,

like a old Vegas Casino,

they implode on your past,

That one smile changed everything,

And now you sit here smiling,

thinking of Everything God has provided you with,

and knowing He cares and created people who care.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

broken dreams

Your dreams are shattered,

And it all don't make no sense,

So you cry out " God, where have you been?",

Inside you know He has been there all the time,

And even has a plan for you,

But at the moment it still hurts.

You feel emotionless and dead inside,

But Jesus will bring you back to life!

The pain may sting till you die,

And that diagnosis may make you cry at times,

But fight, just fight, even if it ain't alright.


Tuesday, July 3, 2018

losing it.... when you let your emotions destroy others

Ok... so how do i put this.

I lost a good blogger friend recantly because my content was too dark.

It hurt me a lot !

My problem, is i let my emotions hurt others

and I don't think about the effects it may have on others. Now because of all this i am in pain.

I guess my point is for anyone who reads my blog, don't let your emotions effect your blog content or

else it may indeed hurt others and cause a negative effect in your life, and don't stick with making

only 1 - 2 blogger frieends to support ya and give their opinion on your content via comments.

And for anybody who reads my blog, I promise i will try to make things less dark so they don't hurt

you. Well,  that's all  have to say! God bless!

Saturday, June 30, 2018

brokenness

Brokenness is filling me,

I wish it could be seen,

I know it is hard to be here,

But. with God I have no fear,

I will stay strong,

I will not fall down,

God, you keep me moving on.

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Lord, make me whole.

Lord give me hope,

Even when there seems to be none,

Like a young, dying solider, 

bleeding and torn from war,

There is nothing left of me,

I am shattered inside and dying,

No person can help me truly,

I've hurt so many years,

And struggled in trusting you,

Lord, help me change,

Cause with you, I am not beyond repair,

You love me despite my ungratefulness ,

And all of my despair,

Help me accept that you are there,

And leave me this way for a reason,

I give this war to you Jesus,

And toss it all away,

All of what I have done is rubbish,

Lord, take me as I am, 

And make me whole. 


Monday, June 11, 2018

Alone II

He feels so damn alone,

doesn't understand what is going on,

And sick of his retarded mind,

Somedays it takes all his strength,

Just to keep goin,

and despite what he wants,

He keeps going on,

Alone,

Alone, 

So alone......

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Out of the closet, closing the door.

Emotion took over Amy's  sister, Emily's heart,

As she came out of the closet,

in a graveyard for a broken heart,

She walked away from the tombstone,

of many filled years of pain,

And as Emily closes the door,

her blade she had applied many times to her arm,

It fell to the floor,

She would never use it no more.

( the poem is for interpretation on what the final line says. )

Friday, June 1, 2018

A struggling college student

A sick college student,

sits in misery and hopelessness,

feeling like he is nothing but a pain,

The stress is driving him insane,

He yearns to be ok,

but it's not gonna be the case,

Nobody knows how he feels inside,

underneath my ugly ass smile,

that I wish would fade away for good,

and never see the light of day again.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

crying in the pain.

She was crying in the pain,

That was overall her life,

and honestly just wanted to go,

Worn inside and had enough,

I heard her say "I've had enough.",

As she talked,

the train was on its way.

she tarted to run ,

run in front of the train,

and I took off after her,

right when she was meters ,

just meters for making it to the tracks,

Where she was indeed trying to die,

I broke out speeding and caught her just in time.

She protested, cried, and said she wanted to die,

impaired by alcohol and drugs she did not know,

What was even going on.

I took her carried her away so she could calm down and sober up,

and wished God would change her heart. I loved her so.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

It's been a long road

It''s been a long road here,

To where I am now,

Verses were I was years ago,

I'm still Bipolar and that will never change,

But God used life to help me,

and to hurt me,

For his Glory,

It's been a long road,

But here I am now,

Troubled still,

But a bit better.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Loneliness II

Loneliness,

why do you torture me,

and make me feel so sad?

Loneliness, 

Why do I do what I do,

To deal with you? 

Why do I listen to you,

instead of the Lord? 


Saturday, April 7, 2018

Your choice. ( Poetry.)

It is our choice,

Every day,

To do what is right,

Or to go astray,

Will you follow the hard path,

Or decide to go rouge,

Will you live the way,

Jesus wants us to,

Or will you just focus on you?

It's your choice,

Every day,

We have free will,

and what you chose,

It will ether glorify,

Or let our flesh go wild,

Will you follow our passions and fantasies,

Or will you do what is right and Godly.

It is your choice,

to make each day,

will you take the hard road,

or go astray?

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Run with me! (poem.)

Take my hand,

Run away with me,

Leave this town,

Your family,

and your ex,

And let's go to where things are best,

Will you come with me?

Up north to Wyoming,

Or down to Texas?

Whatever happens,

Will you go with me?

To the ends of the seas?


Monday, March 19, 2018

How I love you Lord ( poem.)

Lord how I love you! ,

It is kinda crazy 

that you would come down,

to save sinners like me,

hell-bent and broken,

till you came into my life,

and everything changed,

As my life goes on,

You are the one who created me,

So why am I so selfishly at times,

just ungrateful for the life you gave me? 

I guess it is my human nature,

that tells me I'm too far gone,

and that there's no way out.

Lord, you have helped me many times,

So please help me overcome,

Before I fall apart. 

Lord, How I love you!


Monday, March 5, 2018

All these people! ( poetry.)

All these people,

We all see,

When we look around,

All those souls,

lost and need to be found,

And what are we doing?

We are just sitting in our homes,

Where we feel a false sense

of out of home satisfaction,

While the unsaved druggie ,

Hopeless and alone,

Is on the street snorting crack,

The disabled vet,

He is living a living hell,

with having PTSD.

And what do we do?

The lesbian who don't,

what is true love,

and is told she can't change,

Will we kick her out of church,

And tell her she can never be forgiven?

What do we do?

How will we deal with

Those who are disturbed and unsaved?

Do we let them rot in hell?

Or will we share the Gospel,

and pray God uses us ,

to save them from eternal condemnation.



_____________________________________

* I wrote this to wake up fellow Christians from
bad and close to sinful ways to reach unsaved.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

When you feel like you are too far gone.. Grace....

 Ok. I normally do poetry but I decided I wanted to post this instead for personal reasons. 

Even As Christians, it is sometimes very hard. There are indeed days where we can feel

like we have done things that are never pardonable because of how wrong they may be.

But did Jesus come to atone just the "little things." or "white lies."? Heck no! 

God doesn't choose what he will forgive his people for and what he won't . 

Even when it feels like you are just too far gone, you ain't.

God doesn't dump you. Ask him for forgiveness for what you done and he will forgive.

With his help, Jesus will help you fight no matter how hard things may be. 

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

when your burdens seem to hard to bear ( poetry.)

When your burdens seem to hard to bear,

Cast them down to our savior,

Who will help you get through,

If your trials seem to hard to stand,

Cast them to our Savior,

Who will help up stand,

When your heart feels like it is gonna burst,

Share your problems with The Lord.


Monday, February 19, 2018

a new perspective on helping....

So today my depression hit max when I broke out crying while talking to a Barista who knows a lot

about me. More than many many people do. I VERY Rarely , like I think this may have been my first

time, broke out crying in public place while talking to someone in public. The crazy thing was her

response was one I never had received before and was like different in a interesting sense .

Often when people have tried to calm me down, they have done so by talking to me.

This time was different. I don't know if it is the response of a woman or not,

but she just sat down by me and comforted me by sitting by my side and saying

nothing because there really was not much to say. It almost felt like she was

looking after me, which was a ok feeling. The thing that was different than

anything before was nobody had ever rubbed my back in a way that seemed

to be being used to make me feel better in a comforting sense.  It was a experience

that was totally different in a good way than anything else. It really showed how

caring a gal can be. In the long run,  I did recover.  For y'all who follow me, what would you do if

you were in the same situation, except with someone else who cares about you? Thoughts?

Thursday, February 15, 2018

failure ( poetry)

Faiure,

He calls our name,

making is feel insane,

He talks to us,

Distorts truth,

And makes me feel like,

you don'y know you.

Failure,

makes you want to tie a rope to you head,

and knock down the chair,

but with God's help,

you have to get up.

Failure,

Will you let it rule your life,

Or will you turn to The Light,

And trust him more?

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

My mind ; ( poetry )

sometimes, it is hard to believe, 

That I am me,

sometimes I don't like,

having multiple personalities,

sometimes It would be nice,

If they would just begone,

But they know I am alone,

I hear them tell me now and then,

You are us and we are them,

It is no use fighting us,

Then another voice ,

Calls me by name,

And tells me to keep fighting,

So I shall listen and keep in battle,

and never will my mind destroy me.....

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Annuals.... (Poetry.)

Like a Annual,

We have one life,

That God gave us,

So are we gonna waste it,

Or go live for Christ?

Unlike Perennials and biannuals,

we only have one chance,

So when wet die,

will God ask us " why"?


Monday, January 15, 2018

Why change makes us stronger: first part of a series I'm working on.

  A 16 year old boy hurts inside as he watches he and hiss family's departure from a tight knit church 

that you had gone to for quite a while. It was all of the sudden and unexpected. All his life he had 

been going to church after church, because of him being a pastor in training's son and a former elder 

and just involved with church. God has lead us many places since then, but my point is that God can 

use change to make us stronger and rely on Him more. 

  Ever since that event God has helped me deal me deal with change and departure better. 

As Christians, we must remember that God changes things to make us stronger, and we need to be 

willing to trust Him when change comes. " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and couragious, 

do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you whereever you go." - Joshua 1:9.

So much changes in our life so let's use it all for God's glory and accept the changes he gives us. As 

the verse above says, the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." 



 

Saturday, January 6, 2018

struggling spiritually

I might as well be honest... I haven't read my bible since November and am wondering if that and not turning to God when I should the most has been causing things to get worse? I don't know what to say...... I feel like a hypocrite to share the gospel with others and struggle with obvious sin to the outside world, and not know the bible well enough..... I have been lacking motivation for everything under the sun these days ... prayers would be nice.


I know I am imperfect,

That he is here for me,

so why do I reject thee?

My world can fall apart,

and why do I not turn,

To you Lord......